once again

and once again i look upon the cr0ss where u died...i am humbled by your mercy as i am broken inside...0nce again i thank you..once again i pour out my life

once again...i have back to stage where i am friends with many..but yet...sometimes its just doesnt feel that close after all..but yet..i know God has placed some friends that at the end of the day..their love for u will never change...they're here for u at the end
oh well..econs essay tml...not too appealing
nitez

the picking up myself process

looking back at how long since i actually blogged...its nearly two weeks..
been wanting to get down to it..but never had the chance to...since time no longer permit
let me think how can i sum up what i had been feeling for the past few weeks
HELPLESS?
probably thats the best i can come up with
even as i started to feel the pressure of POS building up..with the trainings ending late at somewhere far..and when i reach home..it will probably be impossible to even sit down and do work for 5 minutes
that sorta left me really frustrated even as i woke up in shock as the alarm rang..and i still haven done my work..
how should i say..its a viscious cycle
nevertheless..i dun regret putting myself into it..i guess some might feels an OVERcommitment..
but i say its an OVERcoming of time..to put my faith at work...
really grew to trust God to provide for my everyday needs
phew...POS is really a once in a lifetime thing...maybe its the last time i understand how people cheerlead..
two weeks...every single day never fails to drain my energy away..bit by bit
without God's purpose..and without seeking after his face
i almost wanted to say ITS ENOUGH
i can't take it any longer
but God always work in ways we cant imagine...with the incident on friday..clementi
hahas..another really "once in a lifetime is enough" experience...i know all i have is God
might seem a little exaggerated but thats how i felt
issac u and i would be fine!
take care
went JP with claire todae..hahas..and she really was nice to just follow me around as i randomly went into shops to look at my stuff..=)
too bad i was never meant to have that slippers...haiz shall just wait

"many people change...many situations fail us and devastate us..
but as long as our determintation and our belief never change, what can stop us from moving on?"
so u people out there who feel like on the verge of giving up...u BETTER NOT!
after each at the verge experience..we start afresh on a new peak
joseph..thats for u...remember that we are all still running this marathon..

CROSS MY HEART

Cross My Heart
we got it all and we would be fools to let it go
coz i need you more and more
coz you're my life and i live for your love that u give
and although my journey's long, i soon be home...

oohhh..its gonna be so hard on my own
but i wont be alone

cross my heart and tell no lies
no one's leaving you behind
just because we say goodbye
cross my heart i do believe
in my heart and in my dreams i would be taking you with me

sometimes i think i can feel u breathing on me
you're there so deep inside
and i like what i feel
though its not what i feel
it helps me carry on till i come home

this song kept me company...
God please let the people see that everyone of us are pouring out our lives to the cell group..so please God..open their hearts

well...at least the depressing and rather frustrating week is coming to an end....guess this was the week i really start to reflect and ask myself whether i have been doing the right things.

friendship is how fragile...especially when u thought that that it was meant to be..it is not about me being pessimistic...but its just the truth being presented right in my face...

drained..confused..and really really helpless....who are the people in my life that is willing to be there for me..some i know they are always there...my cell group..secondary school buddies...who else?

sometimes secretly i hope God can just take me to heaven...but obviously he won't because my time is not up...i already had enough

ulcers just aggravate the pain i had to go through...life seems to stop for a moment

but now that things start to settle down..and everything start to fall into place...my heart can't seem to change..why?..i wonder..

friends that are secure...true...its an invisible and unspoken bond between each other that cant be spoken...what have i gotten after i have put in all my best and treat my friends like my best...
i know its over already and now that i have raked up the past i am sorry
i need to say it out and i promise i would get over after letting it out..

the absence of friendship, happiness and companion...just see my world crashing down..maybe i didnt see that crack within the pretty glassbottle..maybe i was blind..maybe

enough of my maybeS...things arent too peaceful not only in school..i feel the pressure mounting...
need to rush my work before there's pos on mon nite...and all the test and hw due for tues would leave me nuts..

"you will never leave nor forsake me" when i can't see God's hand..when there is
a mist obstructing my path..that is the time i got to trust God's heart

"God is in charge and I am not"
so no matter what happens next...i shall trust..
friend...i am always and will always be here..
let's make this friendship last

the end and the beginning

how long have i actually not blogged?...i think i was at the edge of forgetting about my blog
anyway....exams are OVER for now..hahas...i am probably the last to exclaim that...but for the first time that i took only 3 papers...i feel much more relieved..thank God for showing urself faithful=)
hahas...straight after the last math paper which i found better than promos...i went straight for my bag hunt
think i used it to motivate to study too much..that i felt a little despair after searching and ramaging most part of orchard and bugis..
karmen...i really wasnt that upset..guess i m just impulsive...
friday i was at it again..went to queensway again...but ended up with the gals benefitting from the whole trip..u all are the best man..haha
saturday was a really unusual yet special day...went out with the cg and huiling...
wanted to go canoe with the rest but hl was rather terrified..oops...ya...so got no choice but to go cycling with her
after stealing her bike and nearly running over some dogs and all.....we left east coast to head for church in a rush
that was the climax i guess...
although my stomach was making noises and felt so exhausted....God's presence overcame all of that...worship that day was just so anointed..and filled with so much of God's grace and power...God reminded me that no matter wat...in my goodie and baddie days...watever circumstances..i still need him badly
many times...most people dun understand..this especially hurts if ur close friend does it...
like they question u...they make comments about u...that u thought they truly understood...in case u're wondering..i arent speaking for myself..
thats the difference in the level of our love for God..i guess....that can be such a big bother at times
we all need to learn that we're living for this cause and that God called us to "lay down our lives" for him...this isnt just about the talk..its isnt just about showing up at services...its about telling urself..no matter if it rains or shine..i'll pick myself up to go to church to worship...thats commitment
i know i m not perfect...but i just felt God saying this clearly

as for life and whatever it brings...i get distracted rather easily...i tend to stray into the wrong paths....fall for the wrong things...but i pray that i would not stay in this situation permanently...i'll CROSS that line...

hoildays has started...without much allowance to slack and rest...
just thinking of how much i had revised....really bothers me
yesterday made me realized how important it is to treasure life and not be trashy
many times...we are the one that make the decision...and when the consequence...we found it hard to believe...come on...u made the first step..u should have thgt of the next
went out to KAP to study with karmen, claire and brandon...hahas
most of the time our minds were drifting away....to food..to random stuff...
but it was great time..met joseph and kailin...and his friend..

need to tell myself its holidays...and i can have even more time for God...and his Word....must put in the effort to stay close to Him and to hear Him speak...and not miss the time now
sometimes...u might not get to see someone's true colour...till the most extreme situation confronts..disappointment

but really leds me to understand who are the true friends that i have in my life...
thank you God...that no matter how messed up..things around me might have gone...you are my tower of refuge and strength...you will never leave or forsake me..=)

one more day to start working...jiayou guys!

from the last time i updated up to now...the things around me have evolved so much..and glad to say all of them are positive
"friendship is not just strong because the friends have similar interests and characteristics, it is not about how long the phone call is...or how frequent we actually msg each other....
it is the sharing of the happy, sad, sour...bitter events of life together.."
"through the trials and moment of uncertainty...there lies ahead a opening out of the darkness to something even greater...a friendship that is made to last a lifetime"
thank you God turning wat is meant for evil for the good of ur children

oh ya..before i forget...here's a short bible verse from the previous prayer meeting that the pastor mentioned that turn my view 180 degrees
hebrews 12:1-2
"Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares u, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking onto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God"

if u are just wondering wat these two verses were talking about, we are running the race for Christ and many times we get so tired and weighed down by the things that goes on in our lives and the sins which we commit and threaten to overthrow all controls in our lives...that is the time we got to hang on!
the cloud of witnesses are the people of faith from the Bible like Abraham, Isaac, Joseph which had already completed their race..this race is not a marathon..but one of a relay like the 4x100m which we all do during sports meet...
means the baton is being passed from the people to us...
if we were to give up during the race, which actually means dropping the baton..
all the other 4 runners would be disqualified
i am sure this is something enough to think about and keep me going
=)

shedding some light

school todae seem really very different from the ordinary...
much nicer i guess
but indeed i have come to my senses not to trust in many things or people that i see
yeah..i did felt like why would events all twist to show the fact that it is tough to read a person's mind or to even ascertain that the person is my good and true friend
some points that i learnt in last sun's sermon that can never be more real to me than now
1) Friends create faith, not fear. They just brightens up your life
2) Friends strengthen my walk with God
3) Friends celebrate my victory and we'll rejoice together with each other during someone's victory
4) Friends equip me with my future

couldn't really relate all these points till this day
it all seem so real
i know i am partially at fault for not asking earlier to clear up all the doubts
or even inducing u to feel that its true
so that we can just share our lives openly
if you really feel that i am jealous about your relations
there's nothing much for me to say or try to explain myself
the only thing i know i regard u as a good friend...seriously

everything seems to be changing and events turning out more sour than before
losing my motivation to go school or even listen to lectures..
nothing's really going in
but its time to clean up the mess...pack my bag and set off to go
i'll not fall back into such things even again..with God's guidance..

mei gui lou aka ROSE MANSION

mei gui lou
home to 3 shanghai most famous and pretty dancers...
that was how the whole story started
hahas..in case u think that i m talking rubbish..
this is 2SD2 infamous haunted house...which we are all very proud of..
looking back at the numerous times we all stayed back in school to prepare materials..
sweat it out..and bleed it out literally
our class just held each other throughout the happy funny...and as well as the tough periods
its just perfect
hahas...and the day came just as expected
fun o rama 18th...
first time i slept little knowing that i am going to have a super duper exhausting day ahead
at first...i was really nervous and anxious about the whole thing
the teachers did a first trial and suggested my dressroom to change my script and all
a little upsetting and last minute..and syl suggested me crawling...which left some big marks on my legs though
she screamed when i just did my first trial..so i knew that was the way to go =P
met all sorts of visitors throughout the whole day
so i can classify them as 3 different groups
1) the boys....can be a freak irritated bunch that made me wanna bite them if i can coz they just can't admit if they're frightened
2) the mixed group...with the girls screaming when the guys poke fun at them
3) the all girls kind...easiest to freak out
hahas...the whole day was really fun filled...not that pleasurable but we enjoyed or maybe its just me started loving to scared people as much as i can
thanks all the 3 dancers....the altar guy...the toilet mandy liz....tunnel...jeanette aud...
kitchen...jade marianne....dressing rm..me...hl and karmen...exit..debs and jol
u all are the greatest most amazing bunch of classmates
plus the tour guides..and publicity pple...OMs..weihan..mh..alvin..and also claire who constantly help to arrange timing..christine...brandon..
thanks dad and mom..brothers..and my grandma...she qualify for the fearless women award...haha
issac and gang...mao san and ks..who disturbed my long hair

although i got really big blue blacks...cuts all over..it hurts really but i feel i done to the best i could for my role...it was all worthwhile
be a MAN, man doesn't go back on their word..and simply leave....dun promise a role if u can't handle....come on MAN!
dun wish to harp on it..but if i dun mention this...i'll get emotion constipation for life...

todae service was really good..
all i know is that God reminded me when i kneel down to pray
and my knee hurts like mad...God said softly to me
"the pain i bear for u is much greater than this"
what a simple phrase with such a deeper meaning
i cried in his presence
God're greater than any problems or hurts in my life
i love u

i can't go on

-personal advisory, its my blog so please give me some space to let it all out, i'll feel better aft-
neglected this for quite some time..so now i am back
obviously.....everything around has been just spinning..SPIN...SPIN...
i lost all directions
hate it this way
school's been just a zombie gathering centre....
tired....FREAKED OUT
you probably don't really understand why i am feeling this way
but its ok
nothing else really matter
if u think i am a serious pessimistic maniac
you're wrong
its really normal to feel this stressed out
saturday just passed like this
current affairs was kinda expectedly hard...i am really not into such things
went for a swim to really slow things a little...been not getting enough sleep
funfair's not exactly exciting now...but we don't have a choice..we have to stick to our promise
things are not the same in church...
came as a shock....that anything can happen to anyone..i probably understand the reason for that choice...
i know i got to tell myself not to give up....its really tough..TOUGH....i dun lie bout that
for now i had enough....its time to spend some time alone..
God you are the only one that can rescue me from all these....i am not going to sink in to quick sand

"Life throws really random tough knots at u to get u in ur way...u tripped...fall...probably bleed or broke a few teeth...but if u're just gonna sit there and cry and complain....nothing good will really come out of it...tell myself all these is not permanent..once i overcome it...i'll not fear the same knots again..and i can tell the larger and more complicated knots..i am all ready for them"

"please God i pray"

i dont have the mood to go anywhere or do something...but this is something i should not follow my heart
i got one more day left...and i only did like 5% of all the work
plus homework...tutorials..tests...hahahahahas
i can only laugh at myself

when will it be all over?

serious thoughts

happen to read deb's blog and it left me thinking for awhile....intriguing
just came back from cell group which really steered me on the right track
many times i have become too concerned about things that doesn't really concern me..
its really just upsetting to know i could have spend time on things that really benefit me
at my times of loneliness...or even when i am not...there's one thing i know for sure
God is and would always be there to lift me up..he's really my bestest friend..
now and forever
well..time to go back packing before i m the only one left in the house
=P

the unexplained

finally...its time to move...
after saying for so long that i moving house...i didn't really expect it to be so soon..
but there isnt much of a choice but to get everything packed and there at the new house by sun
hahas.....this is the first time i m shifting..and i realized how much i took so many things for granted
my room's in a big big huge pile of mess....files...books..papers...even toys..not mine...all over the floor...only left with a small little pathway to walk in and out....
oh ya...so glad my throat's inflammation gone by now...i never felt so horrible throughout my history of sickness la..fever thats high to make go dizzy..plus swelling throat that hurts when i drink water..super potent combination
praise God for his healing
now i can talk eat and drink like usual..but not too much
before i end up my bloggin here at my old house for the last time
i can't help but recall how my life was spent here in Redhill since i was born

10 things i remembered bout my house=)
1) my primary school was one min walk away from my house..its really fortunate not to walk so much when i was younger as i always tend to leave behind needed stuff at home
2) my house is near the main street..so at several occasions....we can hear the car accidents..when we hear the sudden skids following by a loud bang...all the neighbours would crowd at the corridor to check out the accident..a little kpo..but that's their past time..haha
3) when my dad went for army reservice..or is that how its spelled..which was like ten years ago
i would cuddle at the bed to sleep with my mom..
4) i used to get frightened by lightning...and would scream and run to my parents' room
but not ok?
5) i rmb that i dropped some file or something from the window once...ended up having to run downstairs to find it back before its stolen
6) i always eat the two hawker centres till i know which stall and where sells wat
will definitely miss the food here though
not much variety at the new place
7) i just love my house
8) its the place where i come to know God truly
9) its filled with that family warmth that words can't express =)
10) i'll miss it definitely
hahas.....quite out of point but i am looking forward to my new green room
with lots of space to put my stuff....
hopefully can get my buddies over when everything's settled
feel like something is turning complicated now....
feel a little down and that the people doesn't realize or just doesnt feel the way that i do
thank God for people like Joseph
shalt elaborate further
"many times circumstances might turn sour....things that might go wrong had all gone wrong"
"when ur life just seem so stressed, God comes to remind me lightly..its not all about this"
He who is me is GREATER than who he is in the world
my everlasting tower of refuge is in the Lord
nothing really compares with Him
cheer up friends!!!
we've a brighter day to look forward to
jurong west here i come..hahas

bracing myself

its really fast...i m now back in school and its already the second week
can't believe how the atmosphere of school is kinda different from last year...
this year seem so much more fast paced and stressful....and fun as well
although the workload didn't lessen or should i say it increased by quite an amount
i still feel that unexpressable joy
oh well...been really glad God's comforting me and holding me up
and in case u all haven realize...something real BIG happened at the staircase outside of the hall leading to the canteen...which cause a massive uproar and everyone laughed so hard we can roll on the floor
sorrie for being so evil..but know u're not hurt or anything can le
finally i m doing maths tutorials...thats kinda miraculous
econ's never ending work...better go work on it
tired and dread that feeling..but i m hanging on
so u guys gonna too rite?
=)

year 2006 =)

another brand new year awaits...2006's going to be really the best year yet
today's the first day of school....kinda anxious at first
but the whole day was just a constand bombardment on how near As are...how fast prelims and syllabus gonna end
stress la
somemore i still got 6 more days of online lessons to go for econs..
how can i make it?
God please help me
parents are getting edgy bout church stuff again
thk i better put more effort into my studies
report card was worst..somemore with such comments
if i still dun pull up my socks..i'll end up drowning
anyway...i am under severe girls oppression
hahas
karmen's oppressing me to carry stuff for her
oh well
just gotta relax or i'll just get depression
ARRRRRRHHHHHHHHHHHHH
hmm..not going to think bout it
just going to pray and leave it to God
he'll make a way when there seem to be no way

christmas and all it brings with it

merry merry christmas...a little early..but oh well
at least i still remembers bout it...let me recall
i truly felt so excited for christmas to come..and for me..to spend it at church was just great
on christmas eve....went for a family dinner at my aunt's house..yum yum...lots of food though i reached like at 8plus...but still have stuff like ham..satay...veggies..drinks..that special family warmth..yeah =)
the morning i woke up at 3am...a little horrified that i haven finish writing all the cards for my friends and cg..so sincere apologies ya..at least there's chocolate
the nite time is spend with family..my mom's bdae....=)
happy birthday mommie..u got a real special bdae..its christmas
really grateful to God for placing you in my life..though i know u're probably won't read this
but i love you =)
promise to be a little little bit more obedient in 2006
ahhas

hahas...25th dec was yeah another power packed fun filled day

christmas drama just blew me away..i got reminded so strongly not to give up on God and that through this challenge i am facing..i'll become much more stronger through this

2005- my most negative year yet

but next year will never be like that

thanks alvin and hl for coming..u both really made my day

ahahs...the meteorite thing was cool rite?

though we sure have problem walking straight aft coming down from it..looks like we got a ride up and down from the sky

pretty scary ya..chee wei was screaming before the rides even gonna start..ahahahs

anyway my blog music not doing too good..so found another source for HUNG UP

okie..its just a temporary interest...but i can't stop listening to it..

homework is really like a mountain now...like only have 4 more days before all the hustle and bustle all begin again

know i really need to depend on God for the strength..he's my shelter amidst all the storms that are raging..

he's my all in all...=)

alot of people seem to be in their period nowadays..but i am telling myself i can't follow in that footstep

send my message to sorta expressed all the feelings i have been trying hard to relate

that's the minimum i can do ba

life's tough..but i am not giving up

joseph we both can do it for 2006 de

thanksgiving this fri

guys..its not me..nor u..or just a few of us..its everybody's effort

tired...i need another 2 weeks to ever read finish that econs online lesson

its neverending..the info are not meant for one day

freak

life goes on..

daughter..thanks...never fail to cheer me up at my down times

=)

school's gonna start..

we'll see wat happens next

trust..and be secure..and happy

SHUT UP!

endurance test

this year christmas is just so different
i dun feel the warmth feelin that i usually do
that my whole life is being lightened up
instead i feel like i am tied to a rock of a tonne..
threatening to drown me as i struggle to stay afloat....
many times i ask myself if it is all worth it
is all my effort..time and pain all gonna work
are the people gonna see that we're all doing this for a common cause
i am not a administrator..
been reassuring myself...i am here for Him
doing all these for Him
easier said than done many times
when u're left alone with most of the things
where are the rest?
haha..wat a joke
my parents critcized and laughed..they scolded and nagged
and added on all the burdens of all the wat ifs..
motivation draining
isn't christmas suppose to be a joyous time where we spread the love of christ?
isn't the love meant to bring joy, happiness, light into the dark world
but to me it seem otherwise now
i dun care bout what other may think
i only noe if i dun say all these out
u'll never see me again
is it all worthwhile?

moving on..not looking back

this week up to now is truly hectic...or even crazy...been so caught up with so many things...
went to settle my dad's "travelling plan" problem with him yesterdae..truthfully..i feel that he's not at fault..
its hard to understand how adults think sometimes when facts just are just so clearly displayed..yet they'll fall prey to a set up trap
i am definitely pissed..and feel like just burning down that stupid place
my dad work so hard..coming home so late almost everyday from work...he sacrificed his sweat and blood just for paying a bunch of scumbags..who can't find a proper manner to work and earn decent money
hmph..its truly blood boiling...if i dun say bout all these..i am really not human
all along my dad's real careful with all the money that he spents...how he use to cut down on expenses when business just started out..how i got so worried when his income dip quite significantly..at the start of this year..when i finally realize how big that sum of money my dad's paying..i feel indignant
all the sweet talking....to get pple to join..makes me wanna puke..
all these pple better go get a life ba
enough of gettin angry over such useless freak..
God has said...he knows what we all go through and he will protect us from all attacks from the evil one..just got to take it as a pricey lesson that we learn from
shall not dwell on it further..it will probably shorten my life here
---------------------------------------------------------------------
my head's spinning so fast
i dun really think
perharps...i just need time to settle down..we both need ba
it hurts i have to admit..many times i have to stare at the sky..wondering why i have to go through all these
its my fault..totally....u just probably hope all these haven happen
i know i can never make it up or explain things clearly..sorrie if i dun reply or take so long
really is just lettin everything slow down and let me give it a deeper thought
dun want all these but i cant help it
i dun want to sink deeper..
glad we meet and talk things over
friends ya?

u know. happiness is a choice. u wake up every morning with 2 options. to be happy and optimistic and live each day happily. doing what u love. loving what u do. orr u could wake up feeling sad and depressed and dragged down by all ur problems.its ur choice.
thanks daughter =)