SHUT UP!

endurance test

this year christmas is just so different
i dun feel the warmth feelin that i usually do
that my whole life is being lightened up
instead i feel like i am tied to a rock of a tonne..
threatening to drown me as i struggle to stay afloat....
many times i ask myself if it is all worth it
is all my effort..time and pain all gonna work
are the people gonna see that we're all doing this for a common cause
i am not a administrator..
been reassuring myself...i am here for Him
doing all these for Him
easier said than done many times
when u're left alone with most of the things
where are the rest?
haha..wat a joke
my parents critcized and laughed..they scolded and nagged
and added on all the burdens of all the wat ifs..
motivation draining
isn't christmas suppose to be a joyous time where we spread the love of christ?
isn't the love meant to bring joy, happiness, light into the dark world
but to me it seem otherwise now
i dun care bout what other may think
i only noe if i dun say all these out
u'll never see me again
is it all worthwhile?

moving on..not looking back

this week up to now is truly hectic...or even crazy...been so caught up with so many things...
went to settle my dad's "travelling plan" problem with him yesterdae..truthfully..i feel that he's not at fault..
its hard to understand how adults think sometimes when facts just are just so clearly displayed..yet they'll fall prey to a set up trap
i am definitely pissed..and feel like just burning down that stupid place
my dad work so hard..coming home so late almost everyday from work...he sacrificed his sweat and blood just for paying a bunch of scumbags..who can't find a proper manner to work and earn decent money
hmph..its truly blood boiling...if i dun say bout all these..i am really not human
all along my dad's real careful with all the money that he spents...how he use to cut down on expenses when business just started out..how i got so worried when his income dip quite significantly..at the start of this year..when i finally realize how big that sum of money my dad's paying..i feel indignant
all the sweet talking....to get pple to join..makes me wanna puke..
all these pple better go get a life ba
enough of gettin angry over such useless freak..
God has said...he knows what we all go through and he will protect us from all attacks from the evil one..just got to take it as a pricey lesson that we learn from
shall not dwell on it further..it will probably shorten my life here
---------------------------------------------------------------------
my head's spinning so fast
i dun really think
perharps...i just need time to settle down..we both need ba
it hurts i have to admit..many times i have to stare at the sky..wondering why i have to go through all these
its my fault..totally....u just probably hope all these haven happen
i know i can never make it up or explain things clearly..sorrie if i dun reply or take so long
really is just lettin everything slow down and let me give it a deeper thought
dun want all these but i cant help it
i dun want to sink deeper..
glad we meet and talk things over
friends ya?

u know. happiness is a choice. u wake up every morning with 2 options. to be happy and optimistic and live each day happily. doing what u love. loving what u do. orr u could wake up feeling sad and depressed and dragged down by all ur problems.its ur choice.
thanks daughter =)

reflection

spent the whole dae thinking what exactly i am going to do the remaining of the holis..
how am i going to spent the hard-earned pay
i need to sacrifice for building fund
and i also feel like just buying more new clothes
but the first comes first
he's the one that provided me with this job..i can always trust Him for the rest
thgt about how relationships with people has been for me
many times i tell myself...not to fall back into the same trap of love
but i always do otherwise
stupid dupid me
i can't control my emotions i know
i am flicker
but always i know i'll never commit anything that God doesn't want me to go into
truthfully
i need someone that's there with me....that's have the same belief as me
that love the God i do
i am not discriminating the rest but i can't help..God play such an important role in my life
if u love my God...
why are all these so complicated
perharps..i am not mature enough to handle all these
my past experiences can account for that
but silently i hope i'll meet that special one
love can't be rushed i know
it might hurt innocent friends of mine...i am utterly sorry sorry
but i dun want the hurt to grow even deeper
when did i end up thinking like this...i dun noe
but now i only want true friends..other than that i have no plans..and might never have plans..before God moves me to
i m takin a laidback attitude
God please have your way in me..
i have let ur name down...and i dun want history to repeat itself..

we've moved

we're no longer moving...but we've moved to EXPO
although i actually been there along since last week working at warehouse sales
realized that i have become so uncle-like...always rushing to get the most worth it prices for bedsheets...shirts..oh no wat have i become
went for service aft that...though it was tiring to me...been standing and walking since morning...
was quite front..so managed to get good seats at the floor area..
with my pillow that i bought...super awkward
but all i can say was service was truly amazing
its not the change of venue..its not the addition of more crowd for one service..its not how big the hall is
i felt God's presence so strongly..after i have really prayed so hard for God to just touch me once again...
something is changing in the air...
my parents aren't making my life any easier..i felt suffocated..
but God is my abba father..all along i have been trying to live by own strength
i broke down and cried during the last part worship...something was stirring me up as flashes of the hurtful past just kept passing me by in my mind
how my the financial needs became so serious...i can't control my emotions for that particular time
how my grandpa passed away so suddenly
how my whole world seem to swirl non stop...almost drove me mad
he said that all these were there to test my faith..he'll never forsake or leave me
he's my eternal shelter...
how comforting and strong are these words
its truly life changin
dinner was funny..and mf still have sales filled to her head..she can't wait to find one aft another
need to wake up super early tml
nite..last dae of work...before i can settle down
deb's dreaming bout being a reindeer?
huiling hope service was good for u...and tell karmen i never even wanted to buy such goods for her la..its so sick..she can slap me
hahas..hope to meet up with my buddies soon..meanwhile take care have fun
=)

recounts..in time

28-30 dec
it was class cip time...really didn't noe what to expect there at first...all the rumours about noctorious kids...which will make u grab ur hair and stuff...it was kinda anxious reaching there
but all i can say now is that it was totally good..love it actually...
the first day was kinda like adjustment day when we all knew teaching them workshops will just definitely bore them to death and they'll start jumping climbing...screaming...so active k
sing for devotions seems like i was just singing to myself..hardly anyone was payin attention..some laughed..how nice la
second day was much better realised how cute my team kids are..and me and claire are the most slack team leaders around..with only 2 members most of the time..hahas
but i guess they need that specific attention coz u just can't make them sit down..
the games were fun...treasure hunt...soccer which got complicated...
love lunch time...hahas...it was the kids' time to eat and of course my turn to...was so tired and hungry by then
i did that "deep deep down down" action in front of all of them...the gals pointed and giggled madly...
i was called jie jie which i dun understand why...i dun even noe them well..but i got used to it
debbie became kor kor instead...=P
third day
best day...watched incredibles..chewed on cookies..yum...and wrote cards for the kids in my team...cute WJ and Rich..
miss them though..
x mas party was a feast...so much as though we're having buffet la...make me feel hungry thinking bout it
got pinched bout a super loud gal who constantly disturb and shook my chair during lunch like as though there was an earthquake..hmm but never mind she meant no harm..
left camp early to rush to work..been workin at john little expo for quite some time now
at first it was really dready wakin up so early to take train to the other end of the island..but now got used to it
its hard earning money..dad and mom..haha
been a loner for the past few days...after work just straight home...takeaway lunch on the way
its always so exhaustin though i only work short hours..but all that walking around made me legs muscles cramp like mad...ouch...torture but got to hang on...just 3 more days =)
been thinking about several issues that i knew i got to make choices and decisions in
church moved to expo..just returned from pm..was great to feel God's presence so strongly..reminding me that i am going on the next level..and that he is always with me
easier said than done..are many things...
i m truthfully tired....in all areas..
thoughts of just giving in..and whether it was all worth while just kept popping in my mind
need to get it all off...i'll find back that first love for Him
know next year won't be any easier or perharps much tougher year to come...balancing all that i have now aren't simple..i really need God
ARRH...how irritating sometimes
i know i am not serving for the sake of just doing it or to show it to others
but all that commitments..just drive so tensed up always...
sick i feel...only he can solve all these for me now...
i dun wanna screw up next year like i did now...
can't afford to
haiz
will someone understand?..maybe?...i have deprived my family severly of time that i spent with them
constantly out doing this and that..it never ends
i know i still love God
but i got to sort it out asap
dun wanna do anything to please anyone
reason why i love God?
because he's real to me..i can see him but i can feel his existence..
how he gave my life a purpose..how he was there for me when the world seems to be collapsing
who else can do that tell me?
who can assure you of a tomorrow that is in his control
its just that simple
no point saying ba
"i am not promising things that i know will not turn out right....i want it to be true and to last"
"its my fault...i lead it on..when i know i shouldn't...i am just gross out at what i do"
its selfish..but rather than hurting anyone
i am fine

blessings

my bro gotten back his PSLE results yesterday...he scored real well...even BETTER than me..hahas
i m not jealous or anything
but when i first guessed the number..it was it...joshua, my youngest bro thgt i knew it before my parents...
but happy for him=)
Praise God!!!
then comes the choice of school....he seem quite urgent to choose it
fairfield?....thgt i grew up there...but think he could go up higher...
he suggested sji...hahas...he could well be keenan's junior...
i fell asleep before i could even help him make up the choices..the medicine makin me madly drowsy...dun seem to think logically
woke up like 4am...ate medicine..and started praying for God's will for my bro
felt so relieved it was the one the schools we all actually decided on..
so its off to first choice nan hua...so he can enjoy the SAP programme thingy..which i think will benefit him ba...lots of chinese...hahas....and its a mixed school
joseph constantly warned me to help him choose properly...its 4 years...and we understand if we get into some particular group of school and end up like "we all know"
thank God for speakin to me =)
yesterdae devotion prac was truly good..and funny...
hahas
going off to meet my buddies..haven seen jeremy for awhile...service at nite
bye

different experience

wow...looks like i haven blog for several days....but been real busy ba
had overnite prayer meetin on fri after service...though i know its gonna test me physically, mentally and spiritually..i really enjoyed the time which i can pray about everything that i have been wanting to bring forward to God...all the needs, my cries, hurts, joy...i feel God's presence very strongly many times...
understand the importance of seeking aft his presence...and that in his presence, the world would grow strangely dim...all i see is his love, power and glory
heard God tellin me to step out more for him...encouraged me with my cell group members....and remind me not to give up in this faith run with Him
realized that i have at many times wanted to throw in the towel, wanted to tell myself "i won't be able to handle all these"
how can i cope with so much commitments...like ushering, cg helper....i would be tempted to just return to the world...
but now God has showed me that his grace is sufficient for me....he is calling me to hang on his promises....trials and tribulations will surely come..but the one that comes out through these valleys are the true children of God
God has renewed my faith...i'll now look to him whenever i feel weak
thank you Jesus =)
alot of things gonna happen for the next few weeks...first the outreach, next class cip from mon to wed..then immediately i'll start work.....both looking forward and also a little fearful...
but perfect love casts out fear...that i'll rmb
been feeling very ill for the past two days...fever going on and off...felt horrible...wanted to vomit...had some ulcers in my throat...coz too heaty le..got to practise abstainence from all forms of fried, oily food..means no more chocolate cookies, no more fastfood...arrrh..but got no choice...
God heal me
happy birthday claire...know its kinda early...think i might not be able to lunch with you all tml le..still not feeling too good..so enjoy urself ya?...

really long day

phew...woke up in the morning..to at first head to sentosa for karmen's bdae...but weather aren't too good..so ended up going to city hall
once i step into it...the feeling of uneasiness just seem to creep in...like i just wanna get out of it..wierd that after one whole year...its still like that
pardon me....but the sun's outing really left me reflecting alot...aft hearing wat mf said..
ARRH...is it that hard to find someone that understands?...maybe thats all in God's plan ba
now i really start to spend much more time bonding with my cg pple..the place where everyone views each other equally...the place which there's no need for pretense...thats exactly how i can feel comfortable to be what i am
left kinda early from the class outing cum celebration.anyway..
HAPPY BDAE KARMEN...
cheer up..and really enjoy the holis..will keep u in prayers =)
the job interview was quite a eye opener...so many people went..even met karen
really hope to be able to secure the job..trusting in God to supply my needs..
thats wat keeps me going...
been so busy spending so much on going out..its time to stop and cut back
tabernacle bs was great...though it ended late...had some tense situations..but its all about our emotions...thank God for the cell and everyone thats in it..including the leader
yup...we must stay united and support each to overcome any trials that may come our way...everyone have a role to play ya...
its gettin real late..
nitez

Personality Test

Your Personality Is

Guardian (SJ) You are sensible, down to earth, and goal oriented.Bottom line, you are good at playing by the rules. You tend to be dominant - and you are a natural leader.You are interested in rules and order. Morals are important to you. A hard worker, you give your all at whatever you do.You're very serious, and people often tell you to lighten up. In love, you tend to take things carefully and slowly. At work, you are suited to almost any career - but you excel in leadership positions. With others, you tend to be polite and formal. As far as looks go, you are traditionally attractive. You take good care of yourself. On weekends, you tend to like to do organized activities. In fact, you often organize them!

The Three Question Personality Test

true glory

pw trial todae.....was not bad except that the video refuses to make noises...that why everything seem kinda dull...great work todae pple..thk we all presented our best...our trials till at nite didn't go to waste...too bad we can bring jolene's dog..hahas
i m so worn out....like since the holidays started i hardly had time to sit down and rest....morning out..nite return..
but sermon was great last wk..."people who show true glory are constant tired"
thats something that keeps me goin
thanks pple who's going for sun's maestro monopoly..i m sure it will be fun =)
didn't noe can form one team from the class..so see ya on sun
will let u noe the details later
tml's bio olympiad...emm..but there's far too much to read up in a few days.
i probably need a few months...haha
one thousand mcqs sound terrifying..but just goin for the experience ba
pw needs major revamp..arrh..really hope this fri is the finalised meeting le....so jiayou
[praying hard to get the job]

just another day

todae is one tired day....in the morning woke up late as i slept late
bought my brother to school before headin to pw meeting...and
guess what it ended at 9.10pm like that
i just like reach home half an hour ago
time just past in a flash...if we were to trial another round...it will be midnite
=( sleepy but glad we all put in our best effort..
aft 14th...its ALL over

first 3 months outing was cool though only a few pple turn up..we had fun...especially bowling..
after not playing for so long
great to meet clara, fungi, darren after so long
i did have any round that the ball got into the drain and i get 0...thats a miracle..hahas
next sun is the maestro monopoly...christine remember to get debbie to come run
but dun tell her what i told u...hahas

too fatigue le
good nite

beat but lookin forward

todae's one crazy dae...went sengkang....finally realized there's a huge shopping centre over there...so much for that amazement...
oh ya...tue's bible study is a totally a wake up call for me..
reminded me of the importance of water baptism and how the devil no longer have control over us...=) how simple yet deep revelation..
i got squashed by keenan peg and shawn..nearly fainted during praise and worship but its all worth it
gotta start living afresh..
anyway..back to todae...ended up takin bus all the way to clementi...the whole trip was super long...i couldn't fall asleep
managed to have dinner at JP and tasted that big huge cup of coffee from the foodcourt...great...hahhas...
though the next two weeks will be yet another packed schedule weeks....i m joyful that it means a more steps towards knowing God and his people...
it is easy to say the truth....i have to make it clear...because i m not doing anything wrong...
"the truth shall see the light"
many things though said to comfort..without showing it...it meant nothing
perharps thats something i have to come to terms with..
jeremy and john...we're suppose to meet up soon!?!?
how random...mf's gonna take up my next two fri...because its her birthday..is that fair?..hahas
still stuck with that OP slides..its depriving me of all my nice sleep..tml still need to reach amk at 9.45am wonder how i can wake up
yeah

rest and think

hooray...the feeling of holidays just totally great...although there's still alot of commitments and activities in school and church...at least not every day i'll have to crawl out of bed in the morning
todae chinese...was alrite...not too easy...for the first time i can't wait for it to be over..
went ps and later heeren...with the clique pple...
lunch wasn't exactly delicious but liked the bread...still have that strong chessy smell stuck in my throat..
EHHH =(
finally i can have time to pack up my room and throw away stuff no longer needed...before i move...everything's like in a mess now
many different feelings in my mind now...kinda puzzled by the things going on around me..
things that i heard from fairfield bout school now.....seems all so real to me now..
all that temptations to just "fit in"...at the end of the dae...u should ask whether its all worth it?
i would say no..thats why this is just a transition time for me
for many things i can't say that i would not fall back into...
especially relationships
i can reverse things in the past..but things in the future...my future is the consequence of my actions todae..
but now i know...its God thats the one that leads me..
for now all i want is Him..if u truly noe me..u'll get my point..
its sad that many times pple dun understand what i had to go through..all they see is what the other party feels..
many times i actually didn't want that turn of events but when it comes i just got to accept it
i m not having a good time either
all i want is my friends..
ones that inspires me to love God more each dae
all this i pray

the place i let things go

finally...fri came...although i wasn't exactly anticipating for it to come...i know sooner or later i'll have to get it back and accept it..
was super nervous while gettin back each paper one by one...prayed that i'll do alrite for econs and thats the only one i did
felt a little numb as i stare at the grades..econs got a C which is unexpected but my bio was really very badly done..i should start reflecting man
the whole day..most of the pple are just engulfed in this dark dark atmosphere where we just discuss wat subject to drop....how i wish i can keep my 4 subs but now its kinda late to say this
"did i not put in enough effort?....did i just couldn't understand?.....how can i do better?"i was quietly questioning myself...
i think i have been too used to life in Fairfield....its time to wake up to the truth that everything aren't that relaxing and easy anymore....seriously need effort to get results..
pple in the class were just either pleased or severly disappointed...
one year of JC has ended in such a manner...
thank God i pick myself up...
met joseph and john for our usual "dover lunch"
its amazing how they can just make me so relaxed and take my mind of worrying for unnecessary stuff..
great buddies..
anyway...u guys including jem...this is not the end ya?....we will make till the As de...thats for the sd2 pple too
went home to blast the marion raven cd...trying to drown my sorrows in even sader songs...
didn't noe how to ans my parents so just kept quiet in case i create more problems by replying...
sermon was sorta of sent from God...
reminded that God's grace is sufficient for me...and that i can be a pillar in watever situation
2005 has been the most horrible...full of trials and obstacles year of my life i can say..though the year haven even ended...
but i will rmb that everything is in God's hands and i can just fall into his arms to trust Him to hold me on...=)
happy bdae cheryl...at least have a bdae greeting left on my blog
i need friends for a lifetime..thats all i wanted

a day in the sun

todae is cell group outing day....but not everyone finished their exams le..so those who have papers muz jiayou ya?we'll be praying for u....woke up with a bad headache...at first thgt i won't be able to make it le...then yeah...was muz better later on..
but the time i reach...some of them already left to cycle le..so left mx,jt,keenan and darrell...
the most crazy part was when we start to pull each other into the salty waters of siloso beach...
everyone was so afraid of the water..but in the end no one can escape except merrien..not even poor issac...
swam across to the man made rocks thing to just climb up to see the view..that cool windy and yet salty wind just made u loosen up so much =)
i forgotten to bring my towel as i left so hurriedly in the morning...that was not the worse...
jeanie,ms,jt went to play the lugh (is it spelled like that?) wanted to play but i was really broke
met joseph at town later...though i was kinda worn out but it was great...

realize how many things that any friendship can face..u name it..it might take place...at many times it seem so fragile...like how someone can be ur friend for one moment..the next moment when u need help he or she disappear from ur presence..wat friends are that?...
so many things if we can just sit there and think...i can gurantee nothing would happen...
if u feel that things are getting too wishy washy...clear it!do something!
now it the time for me to really get right with God for my friends...the basic building block is trust and being open and honest always....
hey...we muz have another buddies outing again next week...we haven all met together yet
looking for God's guidance and hiding under His wings for comfort =)

i dun know

hey...i think its time for me to revive my dead blog...haven like blog for one whole month...
anyway...there's like so much that happen over this whole month
i m still so glad promos are over....its was just a misery..now i just got to trust Him for the results..i just wanna promote please
truthfully i was totally not in the mood to prepare for the papers......can remember how i can just pause a few min before the paper to think bout stuff...i m out of my mind
its true that this whole year has been like a rollercoaster for me...went through all kinds of ups and downs...God really enlarge my faith even i fall and fail so many times
he's faithful....
now just praying for my aunt,godma....still can't accept that she's a totally different person...its always sad to see my loved ones suffering and gettin hurt
has stop asking why but instead how is God going to work through all these
todae's a crazy day....got the last min msg from john that they're going jem's house..
at first thgt couldn't meet them le....but really glad still manage to in the end
and i can't seem to find that swim trunks that i saw before...oops..not suppose to say that
the four buddies haven met for ages...its like we last went out together last year
that feeling of being just so comfortable and free with them...even crapping or just staring blankly in the air wouldn't matter
i think that's what best friends are...haha
as usual we're up to our usual teasing and laughing at each other..and of coz i m always the target..
we played tennis...i feel totally ashamed of myself aft the whole game..was just busy hitting balls out of the court's fence...=P
soon will be charged by jem
went dinner at town...wasn't that pleasant especially if u have to eat carbon filled fried chicken..now feel sick coz of it...but we dumbly finish most of it...think we're starving madly
hahas...
holidays is meant for family and friends...and to buy new stuff for the new house..yeah
going to spend it to clear up alot of things that been happening...need to be truthful and free =)
cell group beach outing on sat....=)

we only have one chance

everything's kinda settled and over....but for me i just can't seem to put it behind..images of how we followed the funeral procession..how we just can't help to cry..even my little brother did though he wasn't sure what's really happening...realize how short and precious life is...better do what u always wanna..dun live in regret..
i had enough
dun talk bout studies, dun talk bout work
i am like a small boat losing its direction when a wave come head on and make me drift away
nothing seems to matter to me now

a tribute to my "ah gong"

i dun really noe how to start but i am still so shocked that so many things happen within the past few days...when i heard that he had a fall and was rushed to a&e...flashes of the previous incident at changi hosp creeped up my mind
totally anxious for his safety
i miss him already..so so much
all the family members were so worried that my mom and the aunties broke down in tears
when the doc said that he suffer serious brain damage
my heart sank
i kept praying and crying out to God to bring healing to his life
to keep him with us....everything's just too sudden
i can't accept it
tried to hold on to my tears but when i held him with my hands while he laid unconscious on the hosp bed to pray for him
tears just flow down
i feel so hurt lookin at him undergoing so much suffering
my life lost direction for a moment
i could always recall how i grew up with my grandparents from nursery
how he will always hold me by the hand to the bakery to buy bread
how he will be so strict to scold me for making noise or just not following table rules
i can never forget how the family used to gather many times for dinner together
how he will always crack jokes to disturb my grandma
how me and my grandparents used to wake up very early in the morning which i dun wish to, to go to the nearby riverside for a walk or to exercise
how i always like to wait till 3pm which is our tea time and me and my cousins would pester them to bring us down for toast and coffee
i remember hearing my mom said stories bout him working so hard to support the family of 8 in the past
i prayed and asked that he'll wake up again like he would
but life's not predictable
i miss him alot
know no amount of tears or unhappiness would bring him back
ah gong know that i love u...and i am sure u want us to be happy and to move on